'Tell me who your friends are...'

[p. 9]

‘La vie est un pèlerinage.’
foto Willem Oltmans

[p. 10]

Peter van de Wouw

Peter behoeft eigenlijk geen begeleidend woord. Onze relatie is ‘Ein Lied ohne Wörte’. Zojuist is deel tien van mijn herinneringen bij Papieren Tijger in Breda verschenen, dat begint op de dag dat ik hem ontmoette. Hij zou mijn leven voor altijd ingrijpend gaan veranderen. Hij spreekt zelf over kruisbevruchting. Dit is zo waar. Dat ik 77 ben en me oergezond voel is bijvoorbeeld op de eerste plaats het directe resultaat van zijn beslissende invloed geweest. Hij leerde me eten. Ik was 42 toen ik hem ontmoette. We verschilden twintig jaar. Zelfs mijn moeder constateerde in 1972 op mijn verjaardag, ‘Wim, ik geloof dat je echt van Peter houdt.’

Nu is het 2002. Net terug uit Egypte kwam 10 november 2002 zijn bijdrage per fax uit Johannesburg binnen, waar hij met zijn levenspartner, de Zuid-Afrikaanse acteur Edwin van Wijk, woont. Zijn bijdrage was de laatste en is uiteraard de eerste in deze reeks. Het was ook de enige die ik in tranen las. Dank je Peter, voor de vriendschap die je de afgelopen 35 jaar met mij hebt gedeeld. De komende vijftig delen dagboek zullen, zoals ze dit voor mij waren, ook voor jou misschien dikwijls alsnog een openbaring zijn. Voor mij hebben de memoires een psychoanalytische werking gehad, in de ware zin des woords. Dat wil zeggen, ze hebben me teruggebracht tot de werkelijkheid zoals alles was en is.

We hebben veel bijzonders beleefd, zoals afgelopen augustus nog tijdens onze vijf dagen samen in Cape Town. Het leek even op 1967. Ik ben Edwin dankbaar, dat hij onze relatie begrijpt en er ruimte voor laat in jouw leven. Ik heb mijn best gedaan er altijd voor je te zijn, zoals ik je moeder dit heb beloofd. Ook vroeger, toen ik nog veel in Amerika was en jij in London samen met Edwin een toneelcarrière volgde. Ik zal altijd je beste vriend op afstand blijven. Jij hebt in veel opzichten een andere jeugd gehad dan ik en je bent eigenlijk een veel liever mens dan ik. Toch zal ik er voor je zijn tot de dag, dat de olifant met de lang snuit bij me langs komt. Dan vertrek ik, maar in de overtuiging, dat onze relatie de zuiverste vorm van vriendschap denkbaar is geweest. Die hebben we vanaf 19 mei 1967 samen gedeeld. Dat is onuitwisbaar en nemen we samen mee naar wherever we will go.

[p. 11]

Schrijven is de wereld ontsluieren
Sartre

On the 19^th of May, 1967, I was waiting for a girlfriend in the lobby of the Americain Hotel, Amsterdam. She never turned up. I became aware of this man staring at me with such force. He was tall and tanned, with the bluest eyes that went straight through me like laser beams. I felt very uncomfortable, so I had to move away. I lived then, on a little farm in the woods, in Brabant with an American lover. I was 21, in the bloom of my athletic youth and teaching in Tilburg, I was in a repressive a restrictive relationship. I was always stared at and developed the notion that something was wrong with me. I avoided going into busses, trains and crowds at all costs, and had become introverted and withdrawn. And half an hour later, there I was stepping into this man's open red tr-5. His eyes invited me into his aura.

At that point I did not realize that my life would be changed around completely and that my destiny would be shaken. I had never met anyone who was so completely authentic and so nakedly honest. He took a book out of my hand with the title ‘Analyse van een Leven’. It was about a life followed from childhood into adulthood seen through a psychoanalytical lens.

This first encounter with Willem I found overwhelming, scary, exiting, and intimidating. It blew me away. I knew I had met a very unique soul. That day, Willem went back to Utrecht, and I went back to my shielded life in Brabant. Willem wrote this to me in 1967 from ‘De Goudvogel’:

‘Hij stond daar in de drukte als een brok gezondheid uit een bos. En de roofvogels van de straat cirkelden om hem heen. Het vulde hem met angst en tegelijkertijd spanning. De wens het leven te kennen, te kennen wat hem vreemd bleef te ervaren, te leven, vrij als een vogel, die rijp wil worden om te paren’.

[p. 12]

I wanted to become a psychologist. That was my passion, the study of the human inner condition, which I would later study at the University of Tilburg.

Soon we would meet again.

Willem showed me his world vision and taught me how to except the realities and absurdity of life. His self-mocking humor made me roar with laughter and I was suddenly smiling again and coming out of myself. I was drawn to the power of his mind, and it was as if he switched on the lights of my soul.

I was beginning to enjoy the limelight's put onto me and soon I embarked on my first theatre production with the great Connie Stuart and Elsje de Wijn, touring the whole of Holland.

Many productions would follow, in various countries...

Later we were setting up a home together at Amerbos, Amsterdam. Willem's home was enveloping like a womb. His music would always filter through the house. Rachmaninoff, Mahler, Liszt and Willem playing Chopin on his grand piano would always fill me with solace and embrace and sooth my soul. Both of us have such different characters, but through give and take interactively, after many personality clashes, sometimes fighting like animals and make each other bleed, we both enriched and strengthened each other. In that sense it became a real cross personal fertilization.

‘De Goudvogel’ was flying with huge wings of newfound pride, and Willem was overly protective about me. He would go through hell and high water to shield me against ‘De boze wereld’.

His vigorous zest for life, his intellectual and sexual vigour, his relentless pursuit of the truth has been very stimulating to me over more then 35 years of bonding. It comes from an amount of energy like a marathon runner and never stops. And to keep up with him can be exhausting at times.

I have seen his fury, which can be volcanic, and his very generous charm. He can charm the pants off anybody.

Even in restaurants he can make the whole staff fall in love with him, or get them into a nervous breakdown within minutes.

His being in the now spontaneity, can trigger off anything, any-

[p. 13]

where, and the courage of his convictions can cause tidal waves.

Within the context of this book I have limited space, which is unfortunate, as I could write volumes on this extraordinary species.

35 years later, Willem is as strong as the day I met him; considering the sabotage and betrayals that he had to endure from the men in gray suits in The Hague and many of his colleagues.

It takes an enormous strength of character not to go under.

Witnessing over many years, the backstabbing, the malicious gossip, and all the attempts to assassinate his character, by his own government. Amazingly, he continued determinedly to prove the truth and make his point.

It all culminated in 1992, in South Africa, where to his own government's meddling he was declared Persona Non Grata.

Again I had to witness Willem being brutally escorted into a car by two police officials, speeding off to Jan Smuts international airport. I was left with such sadness and was profoundly shocked. At the age of 65, he had to be on the street for 8 months.

Willem as a great traveler, has always sent me from all parts of the globe, books and articles from newspapers, magazines and other publications often arriving in huge envelopes, always knows what is of interest to me. It has greatly enhanced my knowledge of mankind and I never look for granted this storeroom of information that he is sending to me so generously. Willem wrote me from Cairo, nov. 7, 2002:

‘Fresh impute all the lime is the key to full usage of the mind. And, as long as the pounds of protoplasm operate smoothly, thoughts grow like pine trees.’ (And emotions as well.)

Willem has always been a prolific letter writer and for some reason I have never thrown away a single letter. I am now in possession of more then 13.000 letters written over a period of more than three decades.

I have decided that some of these letters should be published. I am in the process of selecting and editing those of which I think

[p. 14]

should be appropriate. Rereading them now, makes me feel as if my life is replayed in a movie.

These letters will appear in two volumes.

Being with Willem has been a journey down a long and winding road. And the end is not in sight. In a mad and forever changing world, Willem has always been the constant, like a rock.

Some mysterious psychic web that cannot be explained connects us.

An indissoluble bond joins our lives.

And the long and winding road will always lead me to his door.

Peter

November 2002, Johannesburg, South Africa.

[p. 15]

Peter, Sandton, Zuid Afrika 2002